dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
