He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
