Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize