I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
