i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize