Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
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