He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
