no, he came in my armpit
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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