It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
