Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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