So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
