Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
