You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
