i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
