Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
