I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize