I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I have aggressive nipples.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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