I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
