I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
