it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
