I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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