Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
