to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
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