put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
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