Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize