I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
