nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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