After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
