hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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