I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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