I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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