It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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