Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Randomize
