And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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