oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
