Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
