A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
