Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Randomize
