dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
