How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
