I just pynch a tree in the face
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
