I'm eating all of the evidence.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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