just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
