I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize