I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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