Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize