Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
