the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
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