dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
