once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Randomize