nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
