I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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