hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
