I cannot find my penis.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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