I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
