I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
