If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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