My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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