I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
