In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
