I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
