My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
