I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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