it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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